


Boredom Levels Zero Percent

by Buckysaur



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, crackfic, date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 23:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buckysaur/pseuds/Buckysaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Steve go on a date with hilariously destructive consequences. At least they are never bored.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boredom Levels Zero Percent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [allthingsavenger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthingsavenger/gifts).



> An utter crackfic for allthingsavenger for the prompts "deoDORANT / baboON / aND PANCAKE / pls make it stony *cries*"
> 
> I don't think this is what you had in mind but yeah.
> 
> Mildly inspired by the one Supernatural episode. I have no idea which one, but you'll get what I mean.

Bruce's eyebrow twitched as he took the sight ahead of him in. When no words followed, Tony squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. Steve just stared pointedly at the floor.

After a long silence, Bruce sighed and took his glasses off, rubbing them with his shirt in an attempt to get whatever dirt was on them off. Somehow they always managed to get dirty, even though he did nothing but sit in the lab in front of his laptop all day.

After he slid them back on his nose, he put his hands on his hips and looked at the two men sitting on the sofa looking guilty. _Well, men?_ he thought to himself, _More like toddlers._ He sighed again, and leaned back against the table. "Are either of you planning to tell me what happened?" he asked, not really expecting much, "Because, honestly, I'd expect this from _you_ , Tony, but not from Cap."

Tony's head shot up at that, "He started it!" he exclaimed, much to Bruce's not-surprise. He was even pointing at Steve accusingly. Steve shot him a indignant look.

The scientist-slash-occasional-surrogate-superhero-mother (Bruce, that is) sighed. "I highly doubt that, but why don't you tell me the story?"

Tony 'harrumph'ed, and crossed his arms as he sat back on the sofa. "Okay, so it started this morning..."

 

* * *

 

Tony had just spent an entire morning being a brilliant genius doing brilliant genius things. He had saved the world once or twice before his coffee break, and then done it once more right after. He may or may not have also cured cancer and the common cold during said coffee break, causing all the major governments in the world to institute an honour-to-Tony-Stark Day, and—

 

* * *

 

"Okay, stop there." Bruce massaged his temples with his fingertips, his eyebrow twitching once more. Then, he looked up at the pair on the couch, the shorter of which was sending him an indignant look. Before he could ask why Bruce had interrupted him, Bruce shook his head and held up his hand. "Steve — you tell the story," he ordered.

 

* * *

 

It was their anniversary. They had been together for three months, and Steve wanted to do something special, so he had snuck into the Stark Cosmetics department — Pepper's precious little project — and asked one of the people there if they could help him make a special cologne to give to Tony. Anything that could be bought in a store, after all, was just silly to give to Tony, who had all the money in the world at his feet.

The friendly lady there had helped him put together some scents that he liked, which he had then put in a bottle and wrapped up nicely to give to Tony later at their lunch date, providing that Tony wouldn't forget.

 

* * *

 

"I never forget our lunch dates!" Tony interrupted, "Don't make me look bad in front of Bruce!"

Steve, who looked a bit hurt to be yelled at like that, opened his mouth to reply, but Bruce held his hand up to quiet them once more.

"Believe me, Tony, you do a good enough job of that all by yourself. I don't need Steve for that. Now, let's just continue," he said pointedly.

Tony pouted, crossing his arms a little tighter as he huffed in indignation. "I want to tell the story," he said in a whiny voice.

Bruce looked up at the ceiling. "God help me," he muttered under his breath.

 

* * *

 

When Tony arrived at his lunch date with Steve, _perfectly on time, mind you_ , because he was an amazing boyfriend and he never forgot dates, they had first exchanged gifts. Tony, whose gift wasn't exactly portable, had shown Steve a hologram of the new motorbike he had personally custom built for him, which could also fly — another thing he had invented that morning, just before solving third world hunger.

Steve had given Tony the cologne he had apparently put together himself, and a coupon for 'A Day In The Zoo With Your Favourite Captain,' which Tony had laughed at, because it was adorable, and had also immediately decided to redeem. Of course Steve had blushed a lot and then did that cute babbling thing when he was embarrassed that only made him blush more which was basically just _super_ _adorable—_

 

* * *

 

"I am _not_ adorable!" Steve complained, all but pouting at Tony, who stuck his tongue out. “Let me tell the story. You are not objective.”

“I am perfectly objective! In fact, I think I might have a doctorate in o—”

“No you don’t, Tony,” Bruce and Steve said as one.

“You tell the story then, Steve,” Bruce added.

 

* * *

 

After lunch they had gone to the zoo, which was a lovely date. Something had apparently gone wrong, though, because when they returned to the tower they suddenly realised they had been followed by none other than one of the zoo’s baboons, who had liked Tony's new cologne a bit too much.

 

* * *

 

“Yes, Bruce, really. A baboon,” Steve said when he saw the man’s incredulous look.

“The same baboon that is currently—”

“Yes, Bruce, the same baboon,” Tony said.

“Okay so at which point in the story did you decide that it was a good idea to—”

“Oh, oh, oh, please, can I tell this bit, Cap? _Pleeeaaaase_?”

Steve sighed, rolled his eyes, but gave Tony a why-not nod.

Tony slid forward to the edge of his seat, grinning.

 

* * *

 

The baboon had been nice really, just a bit hungry, perhaps, so despite Steve’s protests Tony had decided to bake it some pancakes.

 

* * *

 

“You—?!”

“Ssh! Let me continue.”

 

* * *

 

And as it turned out the baboon had enjoyed the idea of a food fight in the Avengers’ communal kitchen.

It was fun.

The end.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t even,” said Bruce.

Steve shook his head, looking miserable.

“And you are _dating_ _this guy_?”

“Apparently I am. He’s a genius too, I suppose.”

“I am _totally_ a genius.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow. “Evidence suggests otherwise.”

Tony shrugged. “IQ tests suggest otherwise otherwise.”

It was Bruce’s turn to shake his head, after which he threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t even want to deal with this. You—” he pointed at Tony, “—humanely get that baboon out of the kitchen and clean it up. You—” he shot Steve a look, “—please refrain from taking Tony on any more dates. Like, ever. I don’t think the world is ready for him yet.”

“Cure for the common cold!” Tony argued.

Bruce left the room.

 

* * *

 

“You know, baboons are pretty awesome.”

“Tony, no.”

“I want one.”

“Tony, _no_.”

**Author's Note:**

> It should be noted that I had a fever while writing this.


End file.
